


this is my time this is my tear

by Costello_Music



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Gen, Vague Injury, Whump, trying real hard not to cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 22:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21345658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Costello_Music/pseuds/Costello_Music
Summary: He was a grown man and he survived far worse. It was such a minor injury and he was not going to cry. He was not! Not if he could help it.
Relationships: Nott & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 9
Kudos: 212





	this is my time this is my tear

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this a couple of weeks ago when I did something dumb and hurt myself. It was mostly cathartic and I wasn't going to post it, but then I finished episode 48/49 and OH MY GOODNESS THE CALEB AND NOTT FEELS!! AHHHH! I KNEW THEIR STORIES AND WAS STILL NOT READY!! 
> 
> I have another thing I wrote more directly related to that, but it's getting late and I'll finish that some other night and I found this and it was mostly good to go and I have to get those episode 49 feelings out somehow. So enjoy.
> 
> Title from Red Hot Chili Peppers 'Tear'

Caleb was trying desperately not to cry.

Now that the adrenaline was fading, the deep ache in his hip was more noticeable, but that was bearable. It was the flaring stabbing pain and the overwhelming sense that he was now useless that bought tears to his eyes. 

There were many parts of him that ached. Old injuries and new. It didn’t matter all that mattered was that he was in pain and so desperately wanted to cry.

But he couldn’t.

Not here.

Not now.

Not with_ everyone around him. _

Not that his brain got the memo. Tears were starting to track down his face and he couldn’t stop them.

He wasn’t even hurt that bad. This was ridiculous. He was a grown man, and he’d survived far, far worse. Endured, far, far worse. This shouldn’t be enough to make him cry.

But life wasn’t fair. Especially not to him.

He tried to rub them away. Hoping that the watering in his eyes was all that it was. A momentary reaction to the pain and nothing else. Something that he could banish. So he wiped them away, but more replaced them.

He wasn’t going to cry.

He wasn’t.

He didn’t want to.

That didn’t stop him. Not completely. He was able to hold back to urge to just burst into tears, but he couldn’t stop them from overflowing and running down his face anyway.

He closed his eyes for a moment before scrubbing his eyes once again. He could wait. The instant he was alone he’d give in to it, but he just needed to make it through till then. He could wait.

“Hey Caleb, chin up. You don’t need to cry,” Beau cheerily said as she punched him on the shoulder. It was as rough as she usually was with him, but that didn’t help in the slightest.

“Ja, ja. I know. It’s not that bad really,” he protested, keeping his voice steady. His eyes were shining with tears and he couldn’t help that. But if he didn’t look at her she wouldn’t need to know that.

“Then why,” she started and paused. He looked up and judging by the frown on her face it clearly hadn’t worked. “Dude are you ok?”

She sounded uncomfortable. He nodded yes, because he was. Really. The urge to cry be damned it wasn’t that bad. He’d been stabbed, impaled, bought to the brink of death and that was only this last week. Whatever he had done, whatever muscle he had pulled, it didn’t compare.

He was being stupid. Weak.

“Oi, Jester, Cad, get over here. Something’s wrong with Caleb,” she yelled in the general direction of the Clerics. He gave up giving token protests. Beau was stubborn and not going to listen to him anyway.

Jester was by his side before he knew it. The pain was receding, but he was also not moving so it was hard to judge. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry Caleb, I’m out of spells,” she said in a rush as she reached them. “Caduceus and I are both tapped! Are you ok? Do you need a potion?”

He shook his head again.

“Nein. It is nothing Jester. Really. I think I pulled something but it is not that bad. Promise.”

It wasn’t a lie. He wasn’t in danger of bleeding out. All his limbs were attached, and he could walk. It hurt, but he could walk.

He held it together while they limped back to town. He could stop the small hisses of pain when he moved the wrong way, but he was able to keep the tears at bay. He hoped that the need to go off on his own and burst into tears would fade the further they got from the battle, but he was disappointed to find that that was not the case.

He didn’t say anything to anyone as they collected their keys for the rooms and headed straight to the tavern. None of them noticed him slip away and he was glad for it. He hadn’t said anything since Jester couldn’t heal him, but they were use to him being quiet.

The instant he shut the door behind him he couldn’t hold it back any longer.

He was hurt yes, but not that hurt. It was the stress of the last few days and the lack of sleep that overwhelmed him and he finally burst into tears.

He couldn’t bring himself to sob loudly, just letting the choked sobs cut off and shudder through his body. A part of him knew he was being silly, but a larger part of him knew that letting it all out was better in the long run.

After the first wave passed he got himself under control enough to curl up on the edge of the bed, with the pillows at his back, and snapped Frumpkin to him. His Familiar gave a small mewl and cuddled up to him, gently headbutting and rubbing his cheek to try and comfort him. Sobs overtook him again and he didn’t fight it.

He should have known he didn’t have everyone fooled.

“Caleb, are you alright?” Nott’s somewhat hesitant voice came from the doorway.

“Ja, I’m ok, ja,” he replied, voice shaking. He didn’t turn to face her. If he did it would be all over. There nothing he could do now about the tears still pouring down his face.

“You looked upset, and Beau said you were hurt,” she said, coming forward.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” he mumbled.

Whatever else he tried to protest was lost when he felt a small, familiar hand on his shoulder.

“It’s ok Caleb. It’s been a long day.” Bright yellow eyes peered down at him and the toothy smile she gave him was actually reassuring.

“Ja, it has,” he agreed, through a shuddering breath.

Nott nodded but didn’t say anything. She climbed up next to him and settled at his side opposite Frumpkin. He couldn’t bring himself to sob while she was next to him, but the worst of the storm had passed. Between Nott and Frumpkin curled up beside him he felt better. The tears were still running down his face unbidden, but Nott didn’t say anything about it.

She was humming something indistinct and rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.

He couldn’t cry around the others. They already knew he was weak, and while he liked and trusted them he still didn’t want to cry in front of them.

But Nott was different. Nott was a dear friend. He trusted her with more than his life, and he felt calmer around her.

It didn’t matter that he was weak. Whatever was bothering him didn’t matter. She trusted him too, and had so much more faith in his abilities and _him_ then he did.

He could cry around her.

She kept humming as the minutes passed and he let it all out. She didn’t stop humming as the tears stopped and a deep weariness came over him.

She was still humming as he drifted off to sleep.


End file.
